HORROR AND EVIL FINALLY MAKE IT ONTO TVNETWORK EXECUTIVES DEFEND DECISION, CITING 'WHITENESS' OF VICTIMS
New York -- As Americans were waking up across the country on September 11th, previously unseen programming of people dying horrifying, agonizing deaths was the shocking new network fare that greeted them.
"I was totally flabbergasted," said Susan Fletcher, 32, of Cinncinati, Ohio. "Usually, I turn on the television and the worst I can expect is footage of another black man getting beaten by cops or being told about another Latino retard being executed, but this was different." [more]
AMERICA AT WARA NATION, POISED TO BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF WHOEVER IS BEHIND THE TERROR, ENCOUNTERS MAJOR OBSTACLE
Washington D.C. -- Following announcements yesterday from an angry President Bush that "America would obliterate those who trained those who carried out the terrorist attacks and make life miserable for those governments who encouraged the terrorists," there was a brief pause as the CIA informed the President that, "in fact, that would be us." [more]
BACKLASH REVEALS AMERICAN CONFUSIONAMERICANS BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF NUNS FROM ARIZONA TO ALASKA
Washington DC - Following the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon by Middle Eastern extremists, American citizens responded by venting their rage on those they were able to identify as being linked to the terrorists. [more]
ARAB LEADERS ISSUE DECLARATION, EXPRESS SATISFACTIONCAIRO -- Arab heads of state issued a declaration today stating that they would soon make a number of important declarations on the Palestinian issue, UN sanctions on Iraq, America's "War on Terrorism" and human rights and democracy. [more]
AL-BASSALEH INTERVIEW:BERT, AN ICON FOR MILLIONS OF CHILDREN, CONVERTS TO EXTREMIST ISLAM
Kabul, Afghanistan -- Our reporter tracked down Bert in a secret training camp on the outskirts of Kabul in order to question the popular former children's television character about his recent conversion to extremist Islam. [more]
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ARMY RADIO REPORTS ISRAEL TO CHANGE TACTICS IN RESPONSE TO HUMAN RIGHTS CHARGES
Tel Aviv --Responding to international criticism of so-called rubber bullets used by Israeli troops to quell Palestinian demonstrations in the occupied territories, Israel's army said today that it would expand its use of alternative ammunition. Human rights groups say that they have received thousands of reports from Palestinians and medical personnel that the "rubber bullets" -- in fact metal balls covered with a thin coat of plastic -- often cause serious permanent harm, and in some cases death, especially when fired at close range or at the upper body. Israeli army spokesman Colonel Yeduit Or-Els acknowledged that increasing complaints about the rubber-coated metal bullets had forced the army to act. "From now on, we will reduce the use of rubber-coated metal bullets and increase instead the use of metal-coated metal bullets." Or-Els said that the metal-coated metal bullets more often proved lethal, hence reducing the number of people who are merely injured. He said that Israeli troops have already been using the metal ammuntion, which rather than being round in shape, looks more like a small point, or tear-drop, filled with lead, and covered with brass. The changes would go into effect immediately, said Or-Els. Report filed for Al-Bassaleh by special correspondent Ali al-Ali |
 TARGETED GARDENING - BBC STYLE
London -- According to an intercepted communique, BBC reporters are no longer to use the word "uprooted" when referring to Israel's destruction of Palestinian olive trees and orchards. According to the communique from the head of the BBC News Sanitation Department, Malcom Downing, "uprooting" is a very strong word and should be reserved for more important fruits, like pineapples and coconuts - its dictionary definition. Rather than "uprooted", BBC reporters should use the more accurate phrase, "targeted gardening". Noted Malcom Downing, "we have always and will continue to use the word 'uproot' if Israel destroys Palestinian pineapple orchards." Regarding yesterday's Israeli attack that hit one of the main Palestinain pineapple orchards, Malcom Downing asserted that the pineapple was probably contemplating planting a bomb, and, therefore, the attack could best be described as "defensive gardening". When asked about the timing of the communique, Malcom Downing said it had nothing at all to do with the recently concluded meeting with the Israeli agriculture minister which, he insisted was strictly limited to disccusing the finer points of drip irrigation. "Any accusation that questions whether the BBC New s Sanitation Department's scrupulously fair and balanced reporting would ever be influenced by bias forgets that we have reported in detail every act of Israeli destruction of Palestinian coconut orchards." NOTE: In a future edition, ZNN will engage Mr. Malcom Downing on BBC's new policy of using the words "targeted killings" only if the victim is wearing a bullseye target on his shirt. Otherwise, the reporters should only report that an Israeli missile left an Apache helicopter and didn't come back. Malcom Downing insists that it is important that we maintain the integrity of the English language by not misusing words like "targeted" when the person is obviously not wearing a target. "But if the person killed is actually wearing a bullseye target on his shirt," he pointed out, "you can count on BBC's unbiased and courageous reporting to state it as a 'targeted killing' in no uncertain terms." Report filed for Zionist News Network by roving reporter Maad Abu-Ghazalah |
BREAKING NEWS: Check out The Onion's September 26th issue
with coverage of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks.
with coverage of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks.
| NEWS IN BRIEF |
 Burning Bush: Residents of Holy Land complain it's passé.  Trounced: A disgruntled Arafat fails to Name That Tune during the series 1000th episode Middle East Special.  Top O' The Morning To You! Polls find that "See My Nipples!" overtakes "Put what is in your hand in your ass!" as most popular soldier taunt in the West Bank.  No more! Angry demonstrator protests being constantly characterised in the media as an angry demonstrator.  Plain English: Reuters finally titles a graphic correctly.  Love Parade: Israeli teenagers try really hard to forget they live in a Jewish Iran with compulsory military conscription. 
Military developments: New Israeli tank features mosque minaret camoflage.
 Halloween 2001: Presence of both Bin Laden and Bush masks in 2001 celebrations hint of an increasing moral equivilancy in America's annual devil worshipping festival, according to Jerry Falwell.  Tank Prix: Israel petitioned the International Sports Federation on Monday to have tank racing considered for Olympic status. Commented Uri Izberg, "Yes, it is a desperate attempt to find a sport that Israel has a chance of competing successfully in at an international level." |