"Shalom and thank you for calling the Office of the Spokesmen of the Israeli Army. We are sorry, but all of our units are currently engaged in the endless job of correcting misperceptions about reality on the ground resulting from things being blown up out of proportion by a hostile international media. Please leave a message with your name, press organisation, country of nationality, ethnic origin, and a number at which we can call you back."

"Please speak after the tone, or if you require further assistance, choose one of the following options:"

"For help with phrasing reports that deal with who started the violence, please press one now. Thank you. When formulating sentences that include the date of the beginning of the 10-month-old Palestinian rioting, journalists are advised not to refer to Ariel Sharon's 28 September 2001 visit to the third holiest site in Islam, the continuing military occupation, or Israel's settlement policy. Please instead refer to the 27 September roadside bomb in Gaza that killed one Israeli soldier as the initial spark that grew into the raging fire of Palestinian violence."

"For help with reporting on the closure, please press two now. Thank you. Please do not visit remote Palestinian villages if you want to be able to report honestly that we are "easing the closure", as we've simply been too busy to get over there and remove the concrete blocks that seal all access roads. Rest assured that, as our intention is to ease the closure, it's as good as done, and it would be splitting hairs to quibble about the actual implemention."

"If you are only vaguely concerned about getting to the bottom of what is taking place on the ground, please press three now. Thank you. Enjoying Israel's temperate climate and good hotels? Want more free time to relax and drink Taybeh beer poolside at the American Colony Hotel? No problem. Our 24-hour pager service offering fingertip access to Israeli army commentary about the day's events will simplify the time-consuming task of news collection for you. In all studies conducted by this Office, we have found that over 96 percent of editors (99 percent in the case of American editors) will not question the content of unattributed comments from Israeli army sources. Feel free to present our information as fact (the Office guarantees 100% accuracy of all its information) and if anyone criticises your reports, just refer to balance or, in extreme cases, make veiled indirect references to anti-Semitism to intimidate persistent critics."

"According to field studies, most instances of Palestinian violence can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs. Please press four for additional information about the Israeli Air Force. Thank you. Please note this service is not available when our Prime Minister is in Washington.

Please press five to schedule interviews with high-ranking Israeli officials. Thank you. Please note that the Prime Minister is currently unable to give interviews on the soverign territory of Belgium due to a temporary inconvenience caused by a war crime indictment."

"If your inquiry is urgent, please press six now. Thank you. Your call will be automatically connected to one of Israel's ambassadors in the United States, whose job of presenting Palestinians as terrorists and liars in the United States has been made so simple by the US media that they have plenty of time to deal with your query."

"Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the spokesmen of the Israeli army."