or otherwise sanitise and kill in exchange for advertising revenue"
Washington, D.C. -- During a Pentagon Press Conference convened to present conclusions of the just-completed quadrennial review of U.S. military capacity and strategies, U.S. Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld (pictured left) revealed that the US military will not pursue a missile defence program after all. The high-tech program, termed "Star Wars" by its many detractors, has been eclipsed in effectiveness, terror, and cold-blooded accuracy, according to Rumsfeld and President George Bush, Jr., by a much less costly system: Rocks delivered as projectiles.
Earlier, US Secretary of State Colin Powell indirectly acknowledged the impressive and multifaceted military capabilities of this simple, low-cost system (pictured right ©2001, US Department of Defence), currently employed by Palestinian teenagers in the West Bank and Gaza, when he beseeched Palestinian President Yasir Arafat to show mercy on the fourth strongest army in the world, and the most powerful army in the Middle East, by calling a halt to the terrifying rock-tossing that has struck fear and panic in the hearts of the Israeli people and military in just six short months.
Applauding Rumsfeld's decision, Senator Jesse Helms announced that an emergency shipment of rocks, pebbles, and little sharp stones (pictured left) would be immediately delivered to Israel. "America always stands behind Israel, and will not deny her the most deadly and effective weapons known to man in her hour of direst need! This gift of igneous and sedimentary missiles will add a new dimension of meaning to the phrase: 'Our support for Israel is rock solid!,"
EPA Director Christine Todd Whitman cheerfully noted that more rocks, dried mud agglomerations, as well as dangerously spikey dessicated tree stumps, will be available in increasing abundance in the coming years due to global warming and the desertification of much of New England, the likely result of the America's withdrawal from the Kyoto Treaty.
The only doubtful note sounded at the press conference came from Raytheon and Lockheed lobbyists, who woefully observed that the announced technological down-shift in US military planning would put quite a dent in their trillion dollar R&D budget for the 2001 fiscal year.
Asked to comment on these developoments, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon (pictured right) expressed relief and gratitude, noting that the US Government's decision to "level the playing field" by providing the IDF with the same deadly projectiles used to such devastating effect by Palestinian children may finally convince the Palestinian people that, he said, "To quote the Oscar-winning film, Gladiator, 'A people should know when it's been conquered.'"
Yasir Arafat was unavailable for comment. A close aide indicated that he'd had a bit too much caviar at the Arab Summit, and since recent Israeli helicopter gunship attacks near his residence had shattered supplies of Pepto-Bismal within a ten block radius, he was not able to meet with journalists.
Loreh al-Maleka
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